Sunday, December 10, 2006

Shopping Without IMMAT is Brutal

Christmas shopping can make your ass tired...or cause you to lose your marbles.....

Saturday, December 02, 2006

It Makes My Ass Tired

The following true life stories are of everyday people who seriously need the benefits of IMMAT. If you know someone like this, don't delay. Get them an IMMAT today!

Warning. These stories may not be suitable for all readers.

"I am medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away."

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

Friday, November 17, 2006

Burger King Outsources Order Taking

Fast food restaurants are planning to outsource "order taking" to remote locations. Here's a look into the future of your next trip to the drive through.

And's just another reason to order your IMMAT bracelet today!

Don't You Hate It When This Happens?

To my darling husband:

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

DAP Personality Test

IMMAT users are ahead of the curve when it comes to self-improvement and life enhancement. Because of our commitment to these areas of growth, we at IMMAT believe that we should continue to provide useful tools to assist people in their own self development programs. To this end we bring you the DAP Personality Test.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Haute Couture, the IMMAT Way

Designer chic could never be easier.

As many high fashion devotees know, IMMAT bands accentuate the true ideal where fashion and art come together to define the modern man or woman. The exquisite marriage of form and function sets the IMMAT standard at a level that few in the fashion industry can rival.

Now more than ever, this power in fashion has come to personify taste and beauty. It is through sophisticated accessorizing with IMMAT couture, that we can step apart from the crowd and be noticed for the individuals we are.

Step into the high fashion world of IMMAT. You will be thrilled with the quality of our wrist bands.......the design, the workmanship and materials...... all sublime!!!

IMMAT...for the discriminating man or woman.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 1

During the oral stage, the infant’s primary source of interaction occurs through the mouth, so the rooting and sucking reflex is especially important. The mouth is vital for eating, and the infant derives pleasure from oral stimulation through gratifying activities such as tasting and sucking. Because the infant is entirely dependent upon caretakers (who are responsible for feeding the child), the infant also develops a sense of trust and comfort through this oral stimulation.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 2

During the anal stage, Freud believed that the primary focus of the libido was on controlling bladder and bowel movements. The major conflict at this stage is toilet training—the child has to learn to control his or her bodily needs. Developing this control leads to a sense of accomplishment and independence.

If parents take an approach that is too lenient, an anal-expulsive personality can develop in which the individual has a messy, wasteful, or destructive personality.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 3

During the phallic stage, the primary focus of the libido is on the genitals. Children also discover the differences between males and females. Freud also believed that boys begin to view their fathers as a rival for the mother’s affections. The Oedipus complex describes these feelings of wanting to possess the mother and the desire to replace the father. However, the child also fears that he will be punished by the father for these feelings, a fear Freud termed castration anxiety.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Bulwer-Lytton Competition

As the creator of IMMAT, I must confess that I still struggle with unfulfilled longings. I fear that I have not yet tapped my true potential (close but not quite). For you see, I have long harbored a secret fantasy of winning the annual Bulwer-Lytton competition ("It was a dark and stormy night")

Each year, the competition is stiff. Thousands of entries from around the world are submitted...but only a few are ever chosen to receive this prestigious award. It's like the Emmys.

As I review the following submitted entries by these writers, I will be working on my (hopefully winning) entry for next year.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

The Town of Allopath

Stay abreast of current medical news and learn the latest treatment for skidmark disease here.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Just In Time For Deer Hunting Season!!!

The new camoflage version of IMMAT is being debuted this month. It's manly yes, but I like it too. .....

When you place your IMMAT orders, please specify which type you desire..our original purple band or the new camoflage band---just perfect to go with your hunting attire. Now when you don't bag that deer after sitting for long hours on a tired ass, you will find recovery at an exponentially quicker speed.

You can't go wrong with IMMAT. Order TODAY!!!

"When The Yield Curve Flips.........

.......I'll be watching you." IMMAT IS indeed watching as the Federal Reserve continues to make monetary policy decisions designed to make one's ass tired. For more on the Fed, read about fractional reserve banking (where they create money out of nothing) ---you can probably find a book on the topic in the Magic section at Borders.

The FedFunds rate has not gone down recently, but other rates have. Long-term rates have fallen as have short-term rates...but short-term rates remain above long-term rates. This is an inverted yield curve and it has been inverted since September 19. In the past, an inverted yield curve has been a familiar statistical prelude to recession.

Oh well..just remember there is no time like the present to buy an IMMAT... before I increase the price to $378.99

To learn more about the Fed, please watch the following brief and insightful video:

Monday, October 02, 2006

NEW Study Reveals.....

.....that 4 out of 5 mental health professionals surveyed recommend IMMAT for their patients who chew gum.

Mental Health Therapies Revealed

As a licensed mental health counselor with a masters degree in clinical psychology, I am always on the look-out for new therapies to improve the human condition. After studying numerous alternative technologies in my quest for helping people, I have distilled the best therapies and techniques into the following list:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in-box."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling: "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......ORDER AN IMMAT BAND TODAY!!!!!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Benefits Of IMMAT Are Simply Amazing!!

IMMAT Treatment Day 2

IMMAT Treatment Day 21

Thousands of testimonials from satisfied IMMAT users continue to pour into our corporate offices on a daily basis. We ourselves remain astonished by the array of physical and mental health benefits derived from consistent IMMAT usage.

IMMAT has demonstrated it's efficacy in a wide variety of areas ---from the treatment of blockages to success, self sabotage issues, low self esteem and foot fungus.

The above photos give a good visual impression of an IMMAT treatment success program. Notice that the photo on the top embodies a tired ass at the end of a long work day. Three weeks later, the photo on the bottom clearly demonstrates that the IMMAT has been working. Notice that the tired lines are gone and that the cheeks look more refreshed and resilient.

Clearly IMMAT makes a difference. Get yours now!!!

Monday, September 25, 2006

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

IMMAT continues to go through new incarnations in it's quest for improving lives. Some of the latest quantum physics research performed on our technology reveals new ways to enhance IMMAT frequencies...and consequently makes for a more powerful product. We have already incorporated many of these changes into the current version of IMMAT.

As you can see from the picture, the new improved purple band version of IMMAT far outstrips the beta version of IMMAT. We just keep getting better!!!

Keep watching for more improvements!!! And don't forget to order your IMMAT today!!!!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Death By Meeting

Today, one of my clients tipped me off to a book called "Death by Meeting" by Patrick M. Lencion. The concept of death by meeting (and IMMAT's helpful contribution in relieving ass fatigue) has been documented by many of our glowing testimonials this past week. Make sure you join the ranks of those "in the know." Order your IMMAT today!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Philosophy of IMMAT

Today, I had an interesting conversation with a friend at lunch. The conversation exposed and defined IMMAT philosophy and it's principles at work in people's lives.

I disclosed to him, that my gravest concern regarding IMMAT, is that technology of this magnitude could one day be used as as a force for evil in the world. No doubt, emotions of this sort were felt by the developers of the atom bomb.

However, my friend served to help me define the difference between satire and sarcasm:
  • Satire: is a technique of writing or art which exposes the follies of its subject (for example, individuals, organizations, or states) to ridicule, often as an intended means of provoking or preventing change. The humor of satire tends to be subtle, using irony and deadpan humour liberally.
  • Sarcasm: is sneering, jesting, or mocking a person, situation or thing.....Use of sarcasm is sometimes viewed as an expression of concealed anger, negativity, or rage.
My friend then reminded me of Jonathan Swift who wrote an excellent essay on "how to eat your young." Wikipedia further establishes Swift as a premier satirist as it describes his essay "A Modest Proposal" (1729) in which Swift (with horrifying logic) recommends that Irish poverty can be solved by breeding up their infants as food for the rich.

It is clear that IMMAT seeks to follow such rich traditions.

This is the brilliance of IMMAT....a force for good and not for evil.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

My Cubicle

Is your office undergoing budget cuts similar to the office in the picture? And are the walls of your cubicle closing in on you? For those of you who relate to the cubicle blues, please listen to the following song and ORDER AN IMMAT IMMEDIATELY. (For those of you who appreciate a different format for the Cubicle blues...go here now).

Remember...budget cuts could be coming to a cubicle near you soon. Be prepared.

Home Remedies

Recently. a friend of mine (that's you James) had a traumatic choking episode. My research in this area led me to the following home remedies for this and other common problems.


1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. And don't forget to order your IMMAT bands...a new shipment has just arrived!!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Just Because You're Paranoid......

doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Stress At Work

As many of you IMMAT fans know, stress at work is tremendously abated by our new IMMAT technology. Put those wrist bands on and face the day!!

The following video defines what can happen without an IMMAT. Don't let this happen to you!!!!

By the way...this guy looks a little like a friend of mine. I bet you didn't know they were filming you, JDB. Too bad you weren't wearing your IMMAT.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

We All Need Some Affirmation

Have you been feeling used and abused at your place of work? Don't wait for your boss to notice the good job that you are doing. Give yourself the positive strokes that you need today. Just strap on your IMMAT (remember they are on sale this month at the low low price of $6.67) and visit our bonus page: the IMMAT Automatic Flatterer.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Are You Living A Dream?

These men are. Go here to learn more about cat herding:

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Methane Man Exposed

One of the IMMAT testimonials sent to me was by an individual who calls himself "Methane Man." Through some undercover detective work, I recently discovered Methane Man's true identity. Go here to discover the startling truth.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

They're Flying Off The Shelves!!

The new IMMAT bands have arrived this month and have proven to be a popular item among those "in the know." The testimonials we continue to receive attest to the power of the IMMAT band. (We have received word that even Oprah Winfrey is looking at the IMMAT as a tool for stress relief and anti-aging. We expect to be on a show in the future....we'll keep you posted.

As stated before, the mental and physical improvements attributed to IMMAT are truly revolutionary (see comments under the first blog entry). IMMAT beats illegal steroid usage, hands down.

And remember to send me an email at: to get the link for IMMAT at the low, low August sale price of $6.67.

Don't miss out. GET YOURS NOW!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

A Jellyfish Day

Next time you have a bad day at work ... think of this guy, Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

And so now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!

Friday, July 28, 2006

How Do You Spell Peonies?

This delightful picture was given to me by a lady at my place of work. Her son was inspired to send this in as an example of what is wrong with literacy in America---a subject that could certainly make your ass tired.

The following was captured at 115th and Allisonville Road in Fishers (Indiana). The sign is real and was up for about two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell peonies.....
Jeffrey Clayton, PE
Director, Site Engineering
Lauth Property Group, LLC

Thursday, July 27, 2006

August Sale

For our grand opening, we are offering the IMMAT bands at an incredible savings. For the entire month of August you can possess your very own IMMAT band for an incredible sale price of $6.67. (You did not think I would offer them for $6.66, did you?)

In order to get the IMMAT at this low, low sale price, do not use the merchant account on the website but simply drop me a line at: and I'll send you the payment link. IMMAT bands make great gifts for family and friends alike---so feel free to order in bulk.

Remember, shipping and handling is get yours today!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

It Makes My Ass Tired Grand Opening

I've decided that a blog should be included as a special part of our website grand opening. Feel free to write about the things that make your asses tired....but keep it gentle or I'll delete you all. :-)

Also don't forget to send in your IMMAT testimonials. Stress relief never seemed so good.