Feels Like Hoover

IMMAT Stress Technology To The Rescue

If you don't work for banking or Congress, chances are that you may not be getting a bonus... or even a ride on a corporate jet this year. So what's a middle class guy or gal with no money to do?

The answer: Visualizion

What??!!&^#%!

It's actually a very simple technique that every top name trillionaire claims really works. Visualize that you have lots of money...that way it will not hurt when the government subsidized economy take it away from you. And if you become very adept at the visualization process, you may be able to convince yourself that you really are Bill Gates....and you might be able to work out a deal for room and board at the local mental hospital.

In order to help our customer base achieve these personal fiscal goals, I am sending Monopoly money along with IMMAT orders. Now you can count your money and rub your IMMAT for double the stress relieving power.

Enhance the delusion today. Your mantra is simple: "My 401K just gained another 30% this quarter. My boss wants to promote me and increase my stock options. I was just celebrated as the top performer on my team and was awarded the seven day all-expense-paid trip to Jamaica for some much needed R and R."

And so remember this... a little delusion doesn't hurt anybody...we know it's been working for our government for years.

Buy an IMMAT today!

New Dollar Bill

Go Tell It In Accounting

Subject: How The Stimulus Payments Work

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

You've Got The Fed

A Good Job Is Hard To Find

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.....I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am in the news

You are not going to believe this one. It looks like I am making the 6 o'clock news...

The full story can be found at www.News3Online.com. However due to the overwhelming crush of web traffic, the site may not be fully operational. So have a little patience but please check out the link-- you will be glad you did.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!