Saturday, January 31, 2009

Feels Like Hoover

IMMAT Stress Technology To The Rescue

If you don't work for banking or Congress, chances are that you may not be getting a bonus... or even a ride on a corporate jet this year. So what's a middle class guy or gal with no money to do?

The answer: Visualizion


It's actually a very simple technique that every top name trillionaire claims really works. Visualize that you have lots of money...that way it will not hurt when the government subsidized economy take it away from you. And if you become very adept at the visualization process, you may be able to convince yourself that you really are Bill Gates....and you might be able to work out a deal for room and board at the local mental hospital.

In order to help our customer base achieve these personal fiscal goals, I am sending Monopoly money along with IMMAT orders. Now you can count your money and rub your IMMAT for double the stress relieving power.

Enhance the delusion today. Your mantra is simple: "My 401K just gained another 30% this quarter. My boss wants to promote me and increase my stock options. I was just celebrated as the top performer on my team and was awarded the seven day all-expense-paid trip to Jamaica for some much needed R and R."

And so remember this... a little delusion doesn't hurt anybody...we know it's been working for our government for years.

Buy an IMMAT today!

New Dollar Bill

Go Tell It In Accounting

Subject: How The Stimulus Payments Work

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

You've Got The Fed