Saturday, November 13, 2010

You Might Be Bipolar If...

You go to Walgreen's for a tub of margarine and return an hour and half later with $115.00 worth of nail polish and makeup (and you don't even WEAR it).

You stay up all night writing a mini novel based on Dante's Inferno's levels of hell

You mow your lawn by using scissors.

You got up this morning, put all your clothes on backwards because you thought it was funny when you looked in the mirror, and went to work that way.

You decided on your health insurance while watching a Ben Affleck movie.

The white duck in the backyard, the next day, confirmed in any way, the health insurance decision from yesterday.

You are at a funeral and begin laughing hysterically, because you just remembered that extremely funny joke the dead guy told you a while back.

The houseplant in the front room hasn't been watered in three months, but you are convinced it died because it hated you.

The theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies continues to repeat itself in your head, for more than a week or so.

You really believe that a long deep yawn followed immediately by a rip roaring fart is a source of cleansing for the soul.

You click the light switch back on and off because you were afraid you broke it when you first turned it off, repeatedly.

You haven't had a decent night sleep since Johny Carson hosted the Tonight Show.

You are reading this while watching a movie, talking on your cell phone, shaving, drinking coffee and driving to work, all at the same time.

Your entire wardrobe is piled, draped or stacked neatly on the rowing machine in the corner of your bedroom.

You are delighted that the holidays are back and all the decorations are up, because you never took them down from last year.

The entire year of travel plans need to be changed because your plane ticket fell from the desk to the floor while you were watching it, and you think the plane may do the same.

You can't look up at the full moon because you fear the gravitational pull may peel your face off.

You need to keep your drapes closed so no one can stare into your windows, even though your house sits smack in the middle of 30 acres of undeveloped land.

You cry throughout the wonderful pork roast dinner you slaved over for six hours, because you watched Babe with the kids the evening before, and you swear you recognized his shape in the meat.

The project you started the other day is piled up on top of the other projects you started last year.

You can hear your hair growing.

You watch reruns of Mr Ed because you like the advice he used to give to Wilbur.

You have more than a 20 minute conversation with the telemarketer who called during dinner to sell you a widget, on purpose.

The entire case of Oreos you bought at Sam's is gone, in one sitting.

You know the exact amount of steps it takes to get from your car to your desk at work, and feel the need to go home if you are one off in either direction when you get there.

Your drink spills all over the control board at work and shorts it out, and all you are worried about is the three letter word for a bird, ending with a U.

You speak with a British accent, but you are from Hoboken, New Jersey.

You rip the tags out of your underwear because you don't want the Fruit Of The Loom guys staring at your butt all day, and you swore you could hear them giggling.

You enjoy watching the doctor's expression completely change when you tell him the chicken on his head says he's a turd.

You start to swiffer the floor and realize you need a swiffer rag and you go downstairs to get one and on the way you realize you forgot to load the washer so you do and then you see the dishwasher needs filling and then you start to wipe down the counters and before you know it you've emptied out the fridge and have all the drawers out in the middle of the floor and all the foods on the countertops and then you see that you need a cleaner that you left upstairs and you go upstairs and see that the tub needs scrubbing and you scrub it and then the toilet, (of course) needs to be scrubbed too, but then you notice the floors are so DIRTY... where's that swiffer rag? Oh yeah! in your back pocket! you swiffer and sit down to sign on to DF and decide to grab a soda from the fridge when you suddenly remember... ALL YOUR FOOD IS OUT OF THE FRIDGE!

You find yourself vacuuming your roof at midnight (the neighbors love that one)...

You get started on a project and three days later you realize that you haven't slept or eaten in three days...

You walk in to Circuit City to buy a new memory card for your digital camera and leave with a new camera to go along with the memory card...

You have more fishing gear than an actual tackle shop, all bought on credit card

You keep a revolving line of credit and get another card to pay another one off, except you don't do that, you spend it on more superfluous fishing gear (do I really need 20 rods?)

You get a personal loan to pay of a credit card, but don't cancel the card and use it to buy stuff for the boat.

The first thing you do after coming out of a depression is to get online at ebay and buy more stuff!


IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: If you answer "yes" to two or more of the following items, there is a great chance that you may be suffering from manic depression or another mental illness. If this is the case, please, print out this page and take it to your doctor! Remember, it is you and you alone who really knows yourself well enough and can answer these questions in a totally honest and open manner. Cheating will only hurt yourself and those who are "sane" and need to live with you! It is your health and wellness, an important issue, so please take your time

* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend