Saturday, December 08, 2007

You Have Two Cows.....

Bureaucracy You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms, accounting for the missing cows.

Liberal You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness for cowlessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cowless, who can’t attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with a herd of cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them.

Conservative You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Pure Capitalism
You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets.
After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then ...

American Capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

German Capitalism You have 2 cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie please.

French Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Chinese Capitalism You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Israeli Capitalism So, there are these 2 Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Italian Capitalism You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese Capitalism You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

Swiss Capitalism You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Russian Capitalism You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have five cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 12 cows. You stop counting and open up another bottle of vodka.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Indian Capitalism You have two cows. You worship both of them.

Irish Capitalism You have two cows. You discover that they don’t give beer. You kill and eat the cows.

Polish Capitalism You have two cows. You can’t count that high.

Enron Capitalism You have several cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows.

The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company, secretly owned by your CFO, who sells the rights to 7 cows' milk back to your listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 6 more.

California Capitalism
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. So you sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." A law is signed giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Florida Capitalism You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best.

Arkansas Capitalism You have two cows. That one on the left is kinds cute.

Environmentalism You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Surrealism You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

American Democracy You have 2 cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

Dictatorship You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Communism You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign

Existentialism There are two cows. One is standing on the beach, staring at the sand...

1 comment:

t said...

You have two cows.
One cow’s milk goes to payoff city council for the city milk contract.
The other cow is bugged by the FBI.
Neither cow is contented.
Mayor solves problem in usual fashion by aerial bombing dissident cows’ barn.