A Good Job Is Hard To Find

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.....I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am in the news

You are not going to believe this one. It looks like I am making the 6 o'clock news...

The full story can be found at www.News3Online.com. However due to the overwhelming crush of web traffic, the site may not be fully operational. So have a little patience but please check out the link-- you will be glad you did.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

More Doctors Smoke Camels Than Any Other Cigarette

Bloggers Are Terrible Writers

There are so many bad writers on the Internet, especially in the blogging world, so here are some amusing rules to help you become a world-class writer.

34 Rules For Kick ass Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used unless you don’t want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally…
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Original Source: Unknown (Seems to have been around for decades, but see comments for more info)

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Courtesy of Dean Hunt: http://deanhunt.com/bloggers-are-terrible-writers/

Global Warming Perils

In 1957, climate change began to manifest in Switzerland.... leading to an unusual harvest. If such trends continue, dire consequences may manifest for Italy and other Mediterranean countries:

You Had A Bad Day?

It's Monday. It's February. It's freezing cold outside. It's dark and dreary. You've got the sniffles. It's time to prepare the income taxes. Can it get any worse??

Sex Education Circa 2008.....

Stop Alien Abductions Now

For those of you who may be troubled by alien abductions, a solution has just been discovered by a local detective on the Fort Wayne police force. As he informed me, the thought screen helmet has has helped many people regain their quality of life.

My own brother-in-law testifies of the value of thought screen helmets: "I too have had great success with helmets of a similar design, or at least I think I have. I think therefore I am, I think."

Go to STOP ABDUCTIONS to discover how to make an effective thought screen helmet. Here are some more great testimonials regarding the benefits:

ALIEN ABDUCTEE FROM AUSTRIA WEARING A THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET SHE MADE FROM DIRECTIONS ON WEB SITE.

"I have been abducted by aliens for years and found stopabductions.com by a happy coincidence. The Thought Screen Helmet, invented by an expert, has stopped the unwelcome visitations and has raised me and my family`s quality of life. Therefore I highly recommend it."



ALIEN ABDUCTEE FROM KENTUCKY WEARING A THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET

"Since trying Michael Menkin's Helmet, I have not been bothered by alien mind control. Now my thoughts are my own. I have achieved meaningful work and am contributing to society. My life is better than ever before. Thank you Michael for the work you are doing to save all humanity."

Upward Mobility Has It's Price

Please check out the following video to discover how you too can keep up with the Jones'......