Haute Couture, the IMMAT Way

Designer chic could never be easier.

As many high fashion devotees know, IMMAT bands accentuate the true ideal where fashion and art come together to define the modern man or woman. The exquisite marriage of form and function sets the IMMAT standard at a level that few in the fashion industry can rival.

Now more than ever, this power in fashion has come to personify taste and beauty. It is through sophisticated accessorizing with IMMAT couture, that we can step apart from the crowd and be noticed for the individuals we are.

Step into the high fashion world of IMMAT. You will be thrilled with the quality of our wrist bands.......the design, the workmanship and materials...... all sublime!!!

IMMAT...for the discriminating man or woman.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 1

ORAL STAGE
During the oral stage, the infant’s primary source of interaction occurs through the mouth, so the rooting and sucking reflex is especially important. The mouth is vital for eating, and the infant derives pleasure from oral stimulation through gratifying activities such as tasting and sucking. Because the infant is entirely dependent upon caretakers (who are responsible for feeding the child), the infant also develops a sense of trust and comfort through this oral stimulation.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 2

ANAL STAGE
During the anal stage, Freud believed that the primary focus of the libido was on controlling bladder and bowel movements. The major conflict at this stage is toilet training—the child has to learn to control his or her bodily needs. Developing this control leads to a sense of accomplishment and independence.

If parents take an approach that is too lenient, an anal-expulsive personality can develop in which the individual has a messy, wasteful, or destructive personality.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 3

PHALLIC STAGE
During the phallic stage, the primary focus of the libido is on the genitals. Children also discover the differences between males and females. Freud also believed that boys begin to view their fathers as a rival for the mother’s affections. The Oedipus complex describes these feelings of wanting to possess the mother and the desire to replace the father. However, the child also fears that he will be punished by the father for these feelings, a fear Freud termed castration anxiety.

Bulwer-Lytton Competition

As the creator of IMMAT, I must confess that I still struggle with unfulfilled longings. I fear that I have not yet tapped my true potential (close but not quite). For you see, I have long harbored a secret fantasy of winning the annual Bulwer-Lytton competition ("It was a dark and stormy night")

Each year, the competition is stiff. Thousands of entries from around the world are submitted...but only a few are ever chosen to receive this prestigious award. It's like the Emmys.

As I review the following submitted entries by these writers, I will be working on my (hopefully winning) entry for next year.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Call the EEOC: Case of Job Discrimination

Tuna and Mackerel need not apply.

The Town of Allopath

Stay abreast of current medical news and learn the latest treatment for skidmark disease here.

Just In Time For Deer Hunting Season!!!

The new camoflage version of IMMAT is being debuted this month. It's manly yes, but I like it too. .....

When you place your IMMAT orders, please specify which type you desire..our original purple band or the new camoflage band---just perfect to go with your hunting attire. Now when you don't bag that deer after sitting for long hours on a tired ass, you will find recovery at an exponentially quicker speed.

You can't go wrong with IMMAT. Order TODAY!!!

"When The Yield Curve Flips.........

.......I'll be watching you." IMMAT IS indeed watching as the Federal Reserve continues to make monetary policy decisions designed to make one's ass tired. For more on the Fed, read about fractional reserve banking (where they create money out of nothing) ---you can probably find a book on the topic in the Magic section at Borders.

The FedFunds rate has not gone down recently, but other rates have. Long-term rates have fallen as have short-term rates...but short-term rates remain above long-term rates. This is an inverted yield curve and it has been inverted since September 19. In the past, an inverted yield curve has been a familiar statistical prelude to recession.

Oh well..just remember there is no time like the present to buy an IMMAT... before I increase the price to $378.99

To learn more about the Fed, please watch the following brief and insightful video:

NEW Study Reveals.....

.....that 4 out of 5 mental health professionals surveyed recommend IMMAT for their patients who chew gum.

Mental Health Therapies Revealed

As a licensed mental health counselor with a masters degree in clinical psychology, I am always on the look-out for new therapies to improve the human condition. After studying numerous alternative technologies in my quest for helping people, I have distilled the best therapies and techniques into the following list:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in-box."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling: "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......ORDER AN IMMAT BAND TODAY!!!!!