It Makes My Ass Tired

Elton Dog Biscuit Performs

2011-11-20T09:24:00.001-05:00

"Don't Shoot Me I'm Only The Piano Player"

Presenting: Barack Obama's Job Generating Machine

2011-08-26T20:35:00.003-04:00

Barack Obama presents his plan to put Americans back to work. The President introduces the All-New Environmentally-Friendly Barack Obama Turbo-Matic Job Generator 6000, along with it's chief designer, former game show host, Dr. Obadiah Eat-Yer-Money.

Bearish

2011-08-18T14:19:00.000-04:00

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2011 Results

2011-08-16T19:43:00.002-04:00

Here are the winners and top entries below. Oh that I would one day be found in this glorious pantheon.......

Monday, July 25, 2011
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Winner:

Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.

Sue Fondrie
Oshkosh, WI

The winner of the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Sue Fondrie, an associate professor of Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh who works groan-inducing wordplay into her teaching and administrative duties whenever possible. Out of school, she introduces two members of the next generation to the mysteries of Star Trek, Star Wars, and--of course--the art of the bad pun.

Prof. Fondrie is the 29th grand prize winner of the contest that that began at San Jose State University in 1982. The contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels takes its name from the Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who began his “Paul Clifford” with “It was a dark and stormy night.”

At 26 words, Prof. Fondrie’s submission is the shortest grand prize winner in Contest history, proving that bad writing need not be prolix, or even very wordy.

Runner-Up:

As I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go, no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this . . . and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words.

Rodney Reed
Ooltewah, TN

Winner: Adventure

From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages -- which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place -- but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food.

Jack Barry

Shelby, NC

Runner-Up:

Sensing somehow a scudding lay in the offing, Skipper Bob tallied his tasks: reef the mains'l, mizzen, and jib, strike and brail the fores'l, mizzen stays'l and baggywrinkles, bowse the halyards, mainsheets, jacklines and vangs, turtle and belay fast the small cock, flemish the taffrail warps, batten the booby hatch, lay by his sou'wester, and find the bailing bucket.

Mike Mayfield

Austin, TX

Winner: Crime

Wearily approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler--who had a twisted affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne--or that of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses.

Mark Wisnewski
Flanders, NJ

Runner-Up:

Five minutes before his scheduled execution, Kip found his thoughts turning to his childhood-- all those years ago before he had become a contract killer whose secret weakness was a severe peanut allergy, even back before he lost half of a toe in a gardening accident while doing community service-- but especially to Corinne, the pretty girl down the street whom he might have ended up marrying one day if she had only shown him a little more damn respect.

Andrew Baker
Highland Park, NJ

Dishonorable Mention:

The victim was a short man, with a face full of contradictions: amalgam, composite, dental porcelain, with both precious and non-precious metals all competing for space in a mouth that was open, bloody, terrifying, gaping, exposing a clean set of asymptomatic impacted wisdom teeth, but clearly the object of some very comprehensive dental care, thought Dirk Graply, world-famous womanizer, tough guy, detective, and former dentist.

Basil McDonnell

Vancouver, B.C.

Winner: Fantasy

Within the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he was.”

Terri Daniel

Seattle, WA

Runner-Up:

Veronica, two months pregnant and attempting to get her boyfriend to notice, and Ricky, who wanted to end things with his expansive girlfriend, sat at a table-for-two around lunchtime at the Olive Garden in Columbus, Ohio, eying the bottle of house rosé which, unbeknownst to them, doubled as the portal key to Khrysandelt: The land where everything glitters slightly more than normal.

Andrew Allingham

Fairfax, VA

Winner: Historical Fiction

Napoleon’s ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub.

John Doble

New York City

Runner-Up:

The executioner sneered as the young queen ascended the stairs to the guillotine; in the old days, he thought, at least there was some buildup, a little time on the rack or some disemboweling, but nowadays everyone wants instant gratification.

Andrea Rossi

Wilmington, NC

Winner: Purple Prose

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue.

Mike Pedersen

North Berwick, ME

Runner-Up:

The Los Angeles morning was heavy with smog, the word being a portmanteau of smoke and fog, though in LA the pollutants are typically vehicular emissions as opposed to actual smoke and fog, unlike 19th-century London where the smoke from countless small coal fires often combined with fog off the Thames to produce true smog, though back then they were not clever enough to call it that.

Jack Barry

Shelby, NC

Dishonorable Mentions:

LaTrina—knowing he must live—let her hot, wet tongue slide slowly over Gladiator’s injured ear, the taste reminding her of the late June flavor of a snow chain that had been removed from a tire and left to rust on the garage floor without being rinsed off.

Betsy Replogle

Nichols Hills, OK

Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.

Patty Liverance

Grand Rapids, MI

Deep into that particular wet Saturday night ugly blues screamed out from the old man's horn like a hooker being hauled down a flight of stairs, regular thick loud thumps punctuated by nasty and erratic sharp barks.

John Benson
Carthage, MO 64836

She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.”

James Hearn

Canterbury, Kent, U.K.

Winner: Romance

As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.

Ali Kawashima

Greensboro, NC

Runner-Up:

Deanna waited for him in a deliberate pose on the sailor-striped chaise lounge of the newly-remodeled Ramada, her bustier revealing the tops of her white breasts like eggs--eggs of the slightly undercooked, hard-boiled variety, showing a nascent jiggle with her apprehensive breath, eggs that were then peeled ever-so-carefully so as not to pierce the jellied, opaque albumen and unleash the longing, viscous yolk within--yes, she lay there, oblong and waiting to be deviled.

Meredith K. Gray

Ithaca, NY

Dishonorable Mentions:

They called her The Cat, because she made love the way she fought, rolling rapidly across the floor in a big, blurry ball of shrieking hair, fury, and dander, which usually solicited a “Shut up!” and flung shoe from one of the neighbors, and left her exhilarated lover with serious patchy bald spots and the occasional nicked ear.

Lisa Kluber

San Francisco, CA

She gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each muscle stood out like a flamboyant Mexican hairdresser at an Alabamian monster truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn't have been matched by even a starving junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a suburban supermarket.

Chris Kemp

Annapolis, MD

Winner: Sci Fi

Morgan ‘Bamboo’ Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia—lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called ‘bedroom eyes’—and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called ‘Hi-Dee-Hoes’ but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta.

Greg Homer

Placerville, CA

Runner-Up:

Sterben counted calcium bars in the storage chamber, wondering why women back on Earth paid him little attention, but up here they seem to adore him, in fact, six fraichemaidens had already shown him their blinka.

Elizabeth Muenster

Columbia, PA

Winner: Vile Puns

Detective Kodiak plucked a single hair from the bearskin rug and at once understood the grisly nature of the crime: it had been a ferocious act, a real honey, the sort of thing that could polarize a community, so he padded quietly out the back to avoid a cub reporter waiting in the den.

Joe Wyatt

Amarillo, TX

Runner-Up:

Monroe Mills' innovative new fabric-dyeing technique was a huge improvement over stone-washing: denim apparel was soaked in color and cured in an 800-degree oven, and the company's valued young dye department supervisor was as skilled as they came; yes, no one could say Marilyn was a normal jean baker.

Marvin Veto

Greensboro, NC

Dishonorable Mentions:

Convinced that the fabled Lost Treasure of Eggsbury was concealed within the statue of the beloved Sister Mary Francis in the village square, Professor Smithee would steal away in the darkest hour of each night to try to silently chip away at her impervious granite vestments – a vain and fruitless nightly exercise, he well knew, but it was a hard habit to break.

Rodney Reed
Ooltewah, TN

Everything is Broken....Hmmmmm.......

2011-07-30T15:01:00.004-04:00

This could become our new national anthem......

FYI

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus; a recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be an American!

My Blackberry is Not Working

2011-01-17T09:10:00.000-05:00

The Government Can

2011-01-07T01:07:00.000-05:00

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

2010-12-28T19:36:00.000-05:00

Bulwer-Lytton 2010 Contest Winners

2010-12-28T11:13:00.002-05:00

2010 CONTEST RESULTS

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

Molly Ringle
Seattle, WA

The winner of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Molly Ringle of Seattle, Washington. The author of one published and two soon-to-be-published novels, Molly Ringle only writes bad fiction when she fails at good fiction. She'd rather not say how often this happens. She lives in Seattle with her family, and her vices include uncalled-for moments of sarcasm, excessive consumption of Nutella, and an unladylike avidity for the raunchy films of Mel Brooks

Molly Ringle is the 28th grand prize winner of the contest that that began at San Jose State University in 1982. She is also the second consecutive Washingtonian to win the contest, last year’s being David McKenzie.

Runner-Up:

Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men" -- in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.

Tom Wallace

Columbia, SC

Winner: Adventure

The blazing equatorial sun beat down on Simon’s head and shoulders as he dug feverishly in the hot sand with the ivory shoe-horn his mother had given him before the homecoming game with Taft, when the field was so wet that he’d lost his low-tops seven times in the cold sucking mud.

Adam McDonough

Reedsburgh, Wi

Runner-Up:

When Hru-Kar, the alpha-ranking male of the silver-backed gorilla tribe finished unleashing simian hell on Lt. Cavendish, the once handsome young soldier from Her Majesty’s 47th Regiment resembled nothing so much as a crumpled up piece of khaki-colored construction paper that had been dipped in La Victoria chunky salsa.

Greg Homer

Placerville, CA

Winner: Children’s Literature

“Please Mr. Fox, don’t take your magic back to the forest, it is needed here in Twigsville!” pleaded little Isabel, but Mr. Fox was unconcerned as he smugly loped back into the woods without answering a word knowing well that his magic was only going to be used to make sure his forest would be annexed into the neighboring community of Leaftown where the property values were much higher.

Pete Watkins

Broken Arrow, OK

Winner: Detective

She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.

Steve Lynch

San Marcos, CA

Runner-Up:

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead.

Dennis Pearce

Lexington, KY

Winner: Fantasy Fiction

The wood nymph fairies blissfully pranced in the morning light past the glistening dewdrops on the meadow thistles by the Old Mill, ignorant of the daily slaughter that occurred just behind its lichen-encrusted walls, twin 20-ton mill stones savagely ripping apart the husks of wheat seed, gleefully smearing the starchy entrails across their dour granite faces in unspeakable botanical horror and carnage – but that’s not our story; ours is about fairies!

Rick Cheeseman

Waconia, MN

Winner: Historical Fiction

In Southwestern Germany just east of the Luxemburg border and north of France where history pitted various related Hapsburg Royals against each other and the Archbishops of Trier, the Abbots of St. Maximin, various members of the nobility, and mobs of axe-bearing villagers, there stands a ruin whose building stones mostly were carted off to build other buildings.

Mary Ann R Unger

Ewing, NJ

Runner-Up:

The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn't understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn't like big animals that ate them.

Mike Mayfield

Austin, TX

Winner: Purple Prose

The dark, drafty old house was lopsided and decrepit, leaning in on itself, the way an aging possum carrying a very heavy, overcooked drumstick in his mouth might list to one side if he were also favoring a torn Achilles tendon, assuming possums have them.

Scott Davis Jones

Valley Village, CA

Runner-Up:

The wind whispering through the pine trees and the sun reflecting off the surface of Lake Tahoe like a scattering of diamonds was an idyllic setting, while to the south the same sun struggled to penetrate a sky choked with farm dust and car exhaust over Bakersfield, a town spread over the lower San Joaquin Valley like a brown stain on a wino’s trousers, which is where, unfortunately, this story takes place.

Dennis Doberneck

Paso Robles, CA

Dishonorable Mentions:

Elaine was a big woman, and in her tiny Smart car, stakeouts were always hard for her, especially in the August sun where the humidity made her massive thighs, under her lightweight cotton dress, stick together like two walruses in heat.

Derek Renfro

Ringgold, GA

The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.

Alf Seegert
Salt Lake City, UT

Winner: Romance

"Trent, I love you," Fiona murmered, and her nostrils flared at the faint trace of her lover's masculine scent, sending her heart racing and her mind dreaming of the life they would live together, alternating sumptuous world cruises with long, romantic interludes in the mansion on his private island, alone together except for the maids, the cook, the butler, and Dirk and Rafael, the hard-bodied pool boys.

Paul Chafe

Toronto, ON

Runner-Up:

She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.

Jonathan Blay

Bedford, Canada

Dishonorable Mention:

Cynthia had washed her hands of Philip McIntyre - not like you wash your hands in a public restroom when everyone is watching you to see if you washed your hands but like washing your hands after you have been working in the garden and there is dirt under your fingernails -- dirt like Philip McIntyre.

Linda Boatright

Omaha, NE

Winner: Science Fiction

t'Bleen and Golxxm squelched their way romantically along the slough beach beneath the three Sommodian moons, their eye-stalks occasionally touching, and tenderly belched sweet nothings like, "I don't think I've ever had such a charming evening," and, "Say, would you like to gnaw that hunk of suppurating tissue off my dorsal appendage—it really itches."

Bryan Olive

Tustin, CA

Winner: Vile Puns

It was a risky production unlike any mounted prior on the Met stage, the orchestra first imitating the perpetually beating heart of a man walled-in while in pursuit of wine , and then a soprano singing the plaintive aria of a barely alive woman stuffed up a chimney as her ancestral home was destroyed; however, it certainly was Opera Poe.

Amy Torchinsky
Greensboro NC

Runner-Up:

As Jeffrey Hicks, the event safety coordinator for the Renaissance Festival finished posting the revised standards for weaponry, he thought of the day an unleashed dog wandered onto the jousting field, causing the rider from Indianapolis to stop short, impaling himself on the butt of his spear, and the following day’s newspaper headline which read: “Stray Injures Indy Knight, Hicks Changing Lances.”

Brad Taylor

Iowa City, IA

Dishonorable Mention:

Wearing his new slacks from L.L. Bean, and entering the pen to feed his three big dogs their usual three cans of dog food, some of which ended up on his new pants, Kevin then left the house to attend a revival screening of ‘Serpico’ with Alpo chinos.

Greg Homer

Placerville, CA

Winner: Western

He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him -- perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before.

Linda Boatright

Omaha, NE

Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions:

His chest glistened like a pumpkin seed, either one fresh out of the pumpkin but with all the orange strands of pumpkin flesh removed, or one straight out of the oven after being coated in just the right amount of oil and then baked; the point is that it was smooth, fairly shiny, and that color.

Jesse Kolman

Phoenix, AZ

The life-saving salve had not arrived to help Dr. Sybil Carter dress the mutant killer bee wounds because landslides blocked roads, the rivers were jammed by earthquake debris, and even the jungle foot paths were clogged with dead bees and their victims, yet without the medicinal unguent, many more would die, so reluctantly giving in to her promise never again to speak to her aviator ex-boyfriend, she picked up the radio and begged him to fly in the ointment.

David K. Lynch
Topanga, CA

Faintly silhouetted against the shadowy murk of a nameless Devonian sea, the Megalodont shark was unaware of trilobites foraging in the primordial ooze not far below, trilobites that unlike the shark’s cartilaginous being would become part of the fossil record of an ancient seabed that would in time heave up, dry out and go through the crusher at the Marulan Cement Works somewhere north of Sydney, Australia.

John Mackesy

Victoria, Australia

Leaning back comfortably in a plush old chair, feet up, fingers laced behind his head, Tom Chambers inventoried his life and with a satisfied grin mused, “Ah, marlin fishing off the coast of Majorca, a bronze star for that rescue mission in Jamir, the unmatched fragrance of pastries fresh out of the oven at Café Legrande, two sons who would make any father proud . . . I’ve never done any of that.”

Ernie Santilli

Drexel Hill PA

Living next door to the Lesters for nearly twelve years now, Mrs. Nestor, fully aware of her husband’s fondness for pulchritudinous posteriors, was unable to deter Chester Nestor’s constant quest for Mr. Lester’s sister Hester’s monster keister.

Jeff Flegel

Racine, WI

As Ethel arranged the list of company phone numbers under her clear plastic desk cover, perfectly aligning the lower right corner of the list with the lower right corner of the plastic, then swiveled her chair to file one more inter-office memorandum on trimming the budget, she considered how different her life might have been if her parents had named her Tiffany.

Judy Fischer

Prospect, KY

As the under-appreciated autumn evening faded into yet another soft black velvet fall night, all creatures large and small had settled in except for one, Loupy, the Schipperke, whose job was to keep Anatoly, the night watchman, informed of all things pertaining to the property with her signature uninterrupted warning barks which at this very moment would not subside until her master explained, "We don't know anyone named Timmy and we don't have a well."

Karen Arutunoff
Tulsa, Oklahoma

"You ask me, ‘Why did you do it, Charlie, I could've been a contender?’ -- I'll tell you why: you worked your fights in too close, taking blow after unnecessary blow; I knew you were going to end up punchdrunk and need money for a nurse, and you were never a contender, you were only a referee."

Charles Alworth

Port Aransas, TX

After launching the last brown lump of chewing tobacco from his bulbous and stained lower lip to its new landing on the Main Street pavement below, Billy Bob couldn’t believe that what lay before him, was a spitting image of George Washington.

Heidi Vazquez
Bellevue, NE

Oneida Revere picked at her meal and stared dully across the table at the charismatic charlatan who had seduced her with the illusion of love and tarnished her family's sterling reputation; she was wise to his bent mind games and though it felt like a knife through her heart, she knew it was time to stick a fork in it and call it done - her days of spooning with Uri Geller were over.

Terri Daniel (Seattle, WA) and Craig Rieger (Concord, CA)

Seattle, WA

You Might Be Bipolar If...

2010-11-13T12:39:00.006-05:00

You go to Walgreen's for a tub of margarine and return an hour and half later with $115.00 worth of nail polish and makeup (and you don't even WEAR it).

You stay up all night writing a mini novel based on Dante's Inferno's levels of hell

You mow your lawn by using scissors.

You got up this morning, put all your clothes on backwards because you thought it was funny when you looked in the mirror, and went to work that way.

You decided on your health insurance while watching a Ben Affleck movie.

The white duck in the backyard, the next day, confirmed in any way, the health insurance decision from yesterday.

You are at a funeral and begin laughing hysterically, because you just remembered that extremely funny joke the dead guy told you a while back.

The houseplant in the front room hasn't been watered in three months, but you are convinced it died because it hated you.

The theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies continues to repeat itself in your head, for more than a week or so.

You really believe that a long deep yawn followed immediately by a rip roaring fart is a source of cleansing for the soul.

You click the light switch back on and off because you were afraid you broke it when you first turned it off, repeatedly.

You haven't had a decent night sleep since Johny Carson hosted the Tonight Show.

You are reading this while watching a movie, talking on your cell phone, shaving, drinking coffee and driving to work, all at the same time.

Your entire wardrobe is piled, draped or stacked neatly on the rowing machine in the corner of your bedroom.

You are delighted that the holidays are back and all the decorations are up, because you never took them down from last year.

The entire year of travel plans need to be changed because your plane ticket fell from the desk to the floor while you were watching it, and you think the plane may do the same.

You can't look up at the full moon because you fear the gravitational pull may peel your face off.

You need to keep your drapes closed so no one can stare into your windows, even though your house sits smack in the middle of 30 acres of undeveloped land.

You cry throughout the wonderful pork roast dinner you slaved over for six hours, because you watched Babe with the kids the evening before, and you swear you recognized his shape in the meat.

The project you started the other day is piled up on top of the other projects you started last year.

You can hear your hair growing.

You watch reruns of Mr Ed because you like the advice he used to give to Wilbur.

You have more than a 20 minute conversation with the telemarketer who called during dinner to sell you a widget, on purpose.

The entire case of Oreos you bought at Sam's is gone, in one sitting.

You know the exact amount of steps it takes to get from your car to your desk at work, and feel the need to go home if you are one off in either direction when you get there.

Your drink spills all over the control board at work and shorts it out, and all you are worried about is the three letter word for a bird, ending with a U.

You speak with a British accent, but you are from Hoboken, New Jersey.

You rip the tags out of your underwear because you don't want the Fruit Of The Loom guys staring at your butt all day, and you swore you could hear them giggling.

You enjoy watching the doctor's expression completely change when you tell him the chicken on his head says he's a turd.

You start to swiffer the floor and realize you need a swiffer rag and you go downstairs to get one and on the way you realize you forgot to load the washer so you do and then you see the dishwasher needs filling and then you start to wipe down the counters and before you know it you've emptied out the fridge and have all the drawers out in the middle of the floor and all the foods on the countertops and then you see that you need a cleaner that you left upstairs and you go upstairs and see that the tub needs scrubbing and you scrub it and then the toilet, (of course) needs to be scrubbed too, but then you notice the floors are so DIRTY... where's that swiffer rag? Oh yeah! in your back pocket! you swiffer and sit down to sign on to DF and decide to grab a soda from the fridge when you suddenly remember... ALL YOUR FOOD IS OUT OF THE FRIDGE!

You find yourself vacuuming your roof at midnight (the neighbors love that one)...

You get started on a project and three days later you realize that you haven't slept or eaten in three days...

You walk in to Circuit City to buy a new memory card for your digital camera and leave with a new camera to go along with the memory card...

You have more fishing gear than an actual tackle shop, all bought on credit card

You keep a revolving line of credit and get another card to pay another one off, except you don't do that, you spend it on more superfluous fishing gear (do I really need 20 rods?)

You get a personal loan to pay of a credit card, but don't cancel the card and use it to buy stuff for the boat.

The first thing you do after coming out of a depression is to get online at ebay and buy more stuff!

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IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ THIS FIRST: If you answer "yes" to two or more of the following items, there is a great chance that you may be suffering from manic depression or another mental illness. If this is the case, please, print out this page and take it to your doctor! Remember, it is you and you alone who really knows yourself well enough and can answer these questions in a totally honest and open manner. Cheating will only hurt yourself and those who are "sane" and need to live with you! It is your health and wellness, an important issue, so please take your time

* The sun is too loud.
* Trees begin to chase you.
* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
* You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
* You can hear mimes.
* You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
* Things become "Very Clear."
* You ask the drive-through attendant if you can get your order to go.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chandeliers can understand.
* The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.
* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
* You and Reality file for divorce.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can skip without a rope.
* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* You can travel without moving.
* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
* Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend

Say NO to Ground Zero Mosque

2010-08-24T23:39:00.002-04:00

"We Con The World"
sung by Captain Stabbing and Friends

For more information on other great cons, please visit these links:

Observations on Ground Zero Mosque and whether a 747 fly-over ceremony at Ground Zero is next : http://www.jihadwatch.org/2010/06/pat-condell-on-ground-zero-mosque-is-it-possible-to-be-astonished-but-not-surprised.html

Please sign the petition: http://www.onejerusalem.org/ground_zero_petition.php

The parody video "We Con the World," which mocked the international media coverage of the Gaza-bound "aid" flotilla that was stopped by Israeli naval commandos, has been taken down from the website YouTube, where it received over 3 million views since it went up on June 3. YouTube posted a comment citing copyright infringement concerns from Warren Chappel Music Inc., which owns the rights to the 1985 charity fundraiser song "We Are the World." The video, made by the satirical Web site Latma TV depicts a mock crew of the flotilla, some wearing keffiyehs and speaking in Arab accents, performing a song to the tune of "We Are the World." The parody, which received international -- and often critical -- acknowledgement, is available on other Web sites, while a Hebrew subtitled version is still available on YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VabjGVrhPZc&feature=related

The Bomb

2010-08-24T23:02:00.005-04:00

"Ahmadinejad has been a vocal supporter of Iran's nuclear program, and has insisted that it is for peaceful purposes."

He also said that the "Zionist entity" should be "wiped off the map" and that the Holocaust was a "myth."

He sounds like the peaceful leader of a peaceful nation. I wonder when he will be entertained in Washington with our tax dollars.

The Late Great Dave Allen

2010-07-23T22:13:00.005-04:00

I remember this skit from the 1970's---and it's just as good now as it was then. :-)

Hmmm.....

2010-06-21T21:56:00.002-04:00

Tribute to Our Economy

2010-04-03T16:48:00.000-04:00

New Hit Song By Cat Stevens?????

2010-04-03T16:34:00.004-04:00

Happy St Patricks Day!

2010-03-17T22:14:00.009-04:00

Irish Humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost 500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
************ ********* ********* ********* ******

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."
************ ********* ********* ********* *********

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************ ********* ********* ********* *********

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to go to the bathroom."
************ ********* ********* ********* *********

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary , that's terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary , put down that damn gun...' "
************ ********* ********* ********* *********

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

My Tribute To A Job I Just Quit

2010-03-17T14:30:00.012-04:00

6 Phases of Being Employed

Phase 1: You are listening to jazz — Your first day at work is great. Your co-workers are wonderful, your office is nice, you love your processor, and your boss is the best!

Phase 2:You are listening to pop music — After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you’re coming or going anymore.

Phase 3: You are listening to heavy metal — This is what you feel like after ONE month.

Phase 4: You are listening to hip hop — You become bloated due to stress, you’re gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so tired and have so much work to do when you get home, you feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your co-workers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your office are closing in. You have started thinking ‘WHATEVER’ about your boss.

Phase 5: You are listening to GANGSTA RAP — After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6: You are listening to the voices in your head — You have locked your office door to keep people out, You wonder, “WHY am I even here in the first place?”

Buy Buy American Pie

2010-03-12T19:23:00.003-05:00

Feels Like Hoover

2009-01-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

IMMAT Stress Technology To The Rescue

2009-01-31T11:30:00.007-05:00

If you don't work for banking or Congress, chances are that you may not be getting a bonus... or even a ride on a corporate jet this year. So what's a middle class guy or gal with no money to do?

The answer: Visualizion

What??!!&^#%!

It's actually a very simple technique that every top name trillionaire claims really works. Visualize that you have lots of money...that way it will not hurt when the government subsidized economy take it away from you. And if you become very adept at the visualization process, you may be able to convince yourself that you really are Bill Gates....and you might be able to work out a deal for room and board at the local mental hospital.

In order to help our customer base achieve these personal fiscal goals, I am sending Monopoly money along with IMMAT orders. Now you can count your money and rub your IMMAT for double the stress relieving power.

Enhance the delusion today. Your mantra is simple: "My 401K just gained another 30% this quarter. My boss wants to promote me and increase my stock options. I was just celebrated as the top performer on my team and was awarded the seven day all-expense-paid trip to Jamaica for some much needed R and R."

And so remember this... a little delusion doesn't hurt anybody...we know it's been working for our government for years.

Buy an IMMAT today!

New Dollar Bill

2009-01-31T11:20:00.004-05:00

Go Tell It In Accounting

2009-01-31T11:04:00.001-05:00

Subject: How The Stimulus Payments Work

2009-01-31T10:49:00.001-05:00

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan. And none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

You've Got The Fed

2009-01-31T10:43:00.003-05:00

A Good Job Is Hard To Find

2008-12-13T16:35:00.002-05:00

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.....I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T12:16:00.003-05:00

I am in the news

2008-10-15T09:27:00.012-04:00

You are not going to believe this one. It looks like I am making the 6 o'clock news...

The full story can be found at www.News3Online.com. However due to the overwhelming crush of web traffic, the site may not be fully operational. So have a little patience but please check out the link-- you will be glad you did.

The Pastor's Ass

2008-10-12T07:37:00.002-04:00

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

More Doctors Smoke Camels Than Any Other Cigarette

2008-07-27T11:05:00.000-04:00

Bloggers Are Terrible Writers

2008-07-07T15:29:00.003-04:00

There are so many bad writers on the Internet, especially in the blogging world, so here are some amusing rules to help you become a world-class writer.

34 Rules For Kick ass Writing

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used unless you don’t want to seem too formal.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not always apropos.
13. Do not use more words, phrases, sentences, or other linguistic elements than you, yourself, actually really and definitely need to use or employ when expressing yourself or otherwise giving voice to what you may or may not be thinking when you are trying to say how many words you should use or not use when using words.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, i.e. etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill excessive exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others elude to them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate distracting quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is said to have once remarked, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally…
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Original Source: Unknown (Seems to have been around for decades, but see comments for more info)

-------------------------------------------------
Courtesy of Dean Hunt: http://deanhunt.com/bloggers-are-terrible-writers/

Global Warming Perils

2008-04-01T11:14:00.004-04:00

In 1957, climate change began to manifest in Switzerland.... leading to an unusual harvest. If such trends continue, dire consequences may manifest for Italy and other Mediterranean countries:

You Had A Bad Day?

2008-02-25T17:29:00.005-05:00

It's Monday. It's February. It's freezing cold outside. It's dark and dreary. You've got the sniffles. It's time to prepare the income taxes. Can it get any worse??

Sex Education Circa 2008.....

2008-01-22T11:18:00.001-05:00

Stop Alien Abductions Now

2008-01-22T11:07:00.011-05:00

For those of you who may be troubled by alien abductions, a solution has just been discovered by a local detective on the Fort Wayne police force. As he informed me, the thought screen helmet has has helped many people regain their quality of life.

My own brother-in-law testifies of the value of thought screen helmets: "I too have had great success with helmets of a similar design, or at least I think I have. I think therefore I am, I think."

Go to STOP ABDUCTIONS to discover how to make an effective thought screen helmet. Here are some more great testimonials regarding the benefits:

ALIEN ABDUCTEE FROM AUSTRIA WEARING A THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET SHE MADE FROM DIRECTIONS ON WEB SITE.

"I have been abducted by aliens for years and found stopabductions.com by a happy coincidence. The Thought Screen Helmet, invented by an expert, has stopped the unwelcome visitations and has raised me and my family`s quality of life. Therefore I highly recommend it."

ALIEN ABDUCTEE FROM KENTUCKY WEARING A THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET

"Since trying Michael Menkin's Helmet, I have not been bothered by alien mind control. Now my thoughts are my own. I have achieved meaningful work and am contributing to society. My life is better than ever before. Thank you Michael for the work you are doing to save all humanity."

Upward Mobility Has It's Price

2008-01-22T10:19:00.000-05:00

Please check out the following video to discover how you too can keep up with the Jones'......

How I Found A Great Mechanic and Other Stories

2007-12-14T19:54:00.000-05:00

One evening last year, as I was leaving the Three Rivers Food CoOp, I came upon a dread discovery as I attempted to start my car: the battery was dead.

As I pondered what to do, a kind man approached and offered to jumpstart my car.
Soon the cables were hooked up to his truck and I turned my ignition.

Smoke, sparks, noise and nasty sounds erupted. People began running away from me (and my car). This included the kind gentleman.

It occured to me that it probably wasn't a good idea to sit in a car that was going to blow up. And so, I exited my car--- just in time to see one man race toward me against the fleeing mob. A man, who apparently was willing to give his life for my automobile.

As he reached the burning jumper cables, he pulled his jacket sleeve down over his hand for protection and knocked the fiery cables off my car, thereby breaking the connection between the two vehicles....and saving my car from incineration.

Such began my relationship with Stan and his lovely wife Emily, owners of Goshen Road Auto and Legal Chop Shop. :-)

*****************************************************
It was a sunny June day (just this past summer) when I stepped out of my house and (horror of horrors) discovered that my battery was dead. Since there were no kind passerby whom I could ask for an improper jumpstart, I decided on the next best thing....I would call AAA.

Very soon, the AAA tow truck driver arrived in a flatbed truck. However, I had a few misgivings. The gentleman, who came to assist me, looked strangely like he had come from the Rescue Mission. (It was later observed that perhaps he was confused and thought he was working for AA).

Still, I calmed myself with the thought that he was a professional and that this was his area of expertise. At least it was a calming thought until I watched him rip a hole in the front bumper of my car.

He assured me that his company would pay for damages. He asked me where I wanted my car taken. There was no doubt.

"Take it to Stan at Goshen Road Auto."

A little while later, Stan called me to tell me the good news.....the car had arrived safely...it just hadn't been secured in its journey. Luckily, Indiana terrain is pretty flat so it makes it more difficult for cars which ride on flatbed trucks to roll off and kill people.

**************************************************
The next day, when I visited my Mazda at the Auto shop, I discovered I had a new problem. Stan informed me that I would need a lawyer for the car damage reimbursement from the AAA tow truck company. As I talked to Stan and several police officers, I began to suspect Stan was right:

The owner of the tow shop was a lead member in the Outlaw Motorcycle gang and.......

the owner had felony battery charges filed against him after beating up a gentleman outside a certain nameless establishment. The gentleman later had a heart attack.

the owner was a possible suspect in his mother's murder.

the owner did not pay certain bills for damages incurred on City property; payment was finally obtained when the City billed his insurance directly.

Apparently, I was attracting some very bad k(c)arma. I wondered how I might drive it off. "Maybe I should ask Stan," I thought. After all, he had figured out how to actually fix my car so I was certain that he knew something about k(c)arma.

**************************************************
It was later on at the Chop Shop, that Emily showed me some fantastic jewelry which she kept on hand in a display case. I surmised that perhaps some customers were more comfortable shopping for jewelry at their local auto mechanic than at the mall. (I think WalMart built a business like this). The jewelry itself was beautiful. However, I already knew that you could get good jewelry at the Chop Shop. After all, it was several months before, that I had taken home a lovely pendant-- originally used as the main fuse to protect the electrical system in my car from the off-hand encounter with crossed jumper cables.

*************************************************
Several months later it was time for my seasonal auto service check for winter. I sat with Stan and Emily and talked about my frustrations with the medical treatment that my father was receiving in the hospital. We laughed and we cried. And they gave me hugs. All while my car was being serviced. It was a bargain.

Stan pulled out several bottles of homeopathics and Bach's Flower Remedies. He also pulled out numerous nutitional protocols for various medical problems. Stan just so happened to have this helpful medical information tucked away in a drawer near the spare auto parts. I thought his medical advice was more sound than that of the physicians we had been consulting.

I guess it was inevitable. I am now considering switching to my mechanic for all of my health care needs.

It is now apparent that I can no longer keep Goshen Road Auto a secret. I must spread the word... for mental and physical health care needs and more, call on Goshen Road Auto and Legal Chop Shop. You can get your car serviced there too.

Tell them Sandy sent you.......
Cheers to Stan and Emily!!!

Goshen Road Auto AND Legal Chop Shop

2007-12-14T19:47:00.000-05:00

Emily and Stan: dispensers of sage advice.

You Have Two Cows.....

2007-12-08T14:22:00.000-05:00

Bureaucracy You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms, accounting for the missing cows.

Liberal You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness for cowlessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cowless, who can’t attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with a herd of cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them.

Conservative You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Pure Capitalism
• You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
• You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull, which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets.
After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually intends legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then ...

American Capitalism You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

German Capitalism You have 2 cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie please.

French Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Chinese Capitalism You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Israeli Capitalism So, there are these 2 Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Italian Capitalism You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese Capitalism You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

Swiss Capitalism You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Russian Capitalism You have 2 cows. You count them and learn that you have five cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 12 cows. You stop counting and open up another bottle of vodka.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Indian Capitalism You have two cows. You worship both of them.

Irish Capitalism You have two cows. You discover that they don’t give beer. You kill and eat the cows.

Polish Capitalism You have two cows. You can’t count that high.

Enron Capitalism You have several cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 cows.

The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Islands company, secretly owned by your CFO, who sells the rights to 7 cows' milk back to your listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 6 more.

California Capitalism
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. So you sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." A law is signed giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Florida Capitalism You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best.

Arkansas Capitalism You have two cows. That one on the left is kinds cute.

Environmentalism You have 2 cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Surrealism You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

American Democracy You have 2 cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

Dictatorship You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Communism You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign

Existentialism There are two cows. One is standing on the beach, staring at the sand...

Why The Cakes Are Cheaper At Walmart

2007-11-06T13:06:00.000-05:00

WALMART DELI ORDER

Keep in mind this really did happen.
Here's how the conversation went:

Walmart Employee: "Hello, Walmart Deli, how can I help you?"

Customer: " I would like to order a cake for a going-away party this week."

Walmart Employee: "What do you want on the cake?"

Customer: "Best Wishes, Suzanne", and underneath that, "We will miss you".

Office Stress - How Do You Handle It?

2007-11-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a day like this? (click here #1)...

or like this??? (click here #2).........

or like this????? (click here #3)

Then YOU NEED AN IMMAT TODAY!!!

Avoid mental derangement and incarceration. Don't delay before it's too late.

The Sad State of Literacy

2007-11-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

I recently came across a few written compositions worthy of the Bulwer Lytton contest. (This is material that was not written as a "deliberate travesty of ineptitude" ). Here are some most interesting excerpts:

"She wore a dress the same color as her eyes her father brought her from San Francisco."
--Danielle Steel, Star

"He spun round in the doorway with a violence that was tangible, surveying her bitterly with hard, blazing eyes before banging the door so savagely that the whole room shuddered and whimpered before sinking into an unearthly silence."

"They had only known each other for the last four months, Claire having come to work at the surgery following a long spell in hospital after a severe road accident, but the two of them had immediately hit it off."

"The possessiveness in his voice was deep and strong, its triumphant throb cutting through the layers of sexual delight as thoroughly as a knife through warm butter, and it hit her like a deluge of cold water."

"Donato nodded in a sharp little bow, clicking his fingers at Antonio, who reached behind her for the case, his pock-marked face beneath its chauffeur's cap of blue and gold apologetic."

"The fifty-or-so-mile drive to Donato's magnificent villa in Sorrento would be no problem - the Mercedes' excellent air conditioning added to the fact that the late-April temperature was only just touching seventy degrees made travelling at midday still a pleasure, unlike in high summer - but sitting in close proximity to Donato for well over an hour was a different matter."
--Helen Brooks, Husband by Contract (Harlequin)

"To understand why the house makes so much money at the craps table, you first have to understand why."--Roger Gros, How to Win at Casino Gambling, Carlton Books (1996) p.74

"He looked at me with his bottomless-cup-of-coffee eyes." Pg. 154 (hardcover edition) The Flower Master by Sujata Massey

"Agnes liked her job too much and carried it with her. She was like a human LEGO display--loveable but provoking." Ladies with Options, by Cynthia Hartwick

"And then he was fully socketed to her, like a pipe wrench in a crock of warm chili."
Robert K. Tanenbaum, in one of the Butch Karp novels (i.e., Enemy Within, Act of Revenge)

"Two men carrying shovels that didn't want to be identified . . ."
News Photos section of Yahoo News

And then there is this fervent piece about constipation (from 1892):

"And on the field of battle which preventive medicine is now and everywhere waging against the ills to which flesh is heir, the banner of preventive constipation is well at the front. Indeed I feel confident and I do greatly rejoice in this assurance, that when the enthusiastic physician who is ever loyal to the guild, who keeps her escutcheon fair and stainless, who is ever jealous of her honor, shall proudly make mention of her achievements and will not then be omitted." American Practitioner and News, August 13th, 1892

IMMAT: The Motion Picture

2007-08-28T17:30:00.000-04:00

In celebration of my birthday on Thursday August 30th (that's Thursday, James), "IMMAT: The Motion Picture" is being released for viewing by the general public. Grab yourself some popcorn and enjoy this cinematic wonder!!! (This masterpiece was created by British film director/ producer, Paul Hooper-Kelley who used great subtlety and flair to demonstrate the perfect dramatic tension between forces of good and evil and how this impacts the mind of an IMMAT user...I have no idea what I just wrote).

And for all of you out there who are still trying to figure out what this is all about, please stop by the Acme Bar after work on Thursday for some most excellent birthday cake and to celebrate another IMMAT milestone with us!

How to Get Someone to Question Reality

2007-08-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

Check the video out here to see an IMMAT board room meeting in action.

How To Deal With Employee Complaints

2007-08-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

IMMAT is pleased to introduce a series of management trainings which are guaranteed to make an employee's ass tired. Watch this video now.

How To Talk Like A Pirate

2007-07-01T00:02:00.000-04:00

The Dolphin Stress Test

2007-06-11T12:08:00.000-04:00

Above is a picture of two dolphins.

If you can see both dolphins, your stress level is within the acceptable range.

If you see anything other than two dolphins, your stress level is too high and you need to stay home and rest....and order an emergency supply of IMMAT bracelets so that you can return to normal functioning.

An IMMAT Educational Series: Know Your State Motto

2007-06-11T11:39:00.000-04:00

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas: Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts , only smaller
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Visit and Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable.
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl.. It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Texas: Se Hable Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared!
The District of Columbia: The Work-Free Drug Place!

Things To Do If You Are Bored/ Stressed At Work

2007-05-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

IMMAT remains committed to ongoing research to assist employees combatting workplace stress. Recent IMMAT studies suggest that many stress reduction techniques can be enhanced by nearly 173% by simply wearing one IMMAT bracelet on a daily basis. In fact, frequent users of IMMAT continue to attest to dramatic improvements with a wide variety of ailments (i.e. high blood pressure, chocolate addictions, post nasal drip, nymphomania, etc). When you consider a personal stress management program remember to order your IMMAT today!!!!

Techniques For Alleviating Stress/ Boredom in The Office
1. Try to not think about penguins (Stress Relieving Potential [SRP]: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about penguins anyway.

2. Use your secret mind power (SRP: 5-10 minutes) Pick a passerby and try to use your mind power to command them do something, like drop their bag or knock into someone. The law of averages dictates that sooner or later one of your mind commands will come true, so you can convince yourself that you really have super human powers and waste even more time trying them out.

3. Pretend you're a robot (SRP: 1-3 minutes) Walk down the hallway with mechanical movements, adding 'zzzzzt' sounds with each motion. Pretending to have a motor broken in, say, your left hand can add at least 30 seconds more entertainment.

4. Repeat the same word over and over until it loses its meaning (SRP: 1-3 minutes) Pick a random word out of a magazine and say it aloud to yourself until it becomes a meaningless set of noises.

5. Hurt yourself (SRP: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

6. Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image (SRP: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

7. Get yourself as nauseated as possible (SRP: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself"). See this video for OSHA approved technique.

Happy Mothers Day

2007-05-13T11:50:00.000-04:00

United Nations Pledges 1.2 Billion in Indigestion Relief for U.S.

2007-04-29T18:08:00.000-04:00

Gas-bloated Americans desperately await massive antacid airlift. Please learn more about this insidious problem and the offer of U.N. assistance by reading more here.

Disco Colonoscopy

2007-04-21T10:53:00.000-04:00

The ColoRectal Surgeon

2007-04-16T17:40:00.003-04:00

In celebration of my upcoming endoscopy, I've decided to feature various talented and exciting gastrointestinal acts from around the world. Stay tuned this week for some delightful bits that will truly make your ass tired.

And remember this....the ColoRectal surgeon always gets you in the end:

Are You Looking For Just The Right Words? Try These..

2007-04-01T09:23:00.000-04:00

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of humanknowledge."-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."-- Billy Wilder

A Reader Writes In

2007-02-11T00:11:00.000-05:00

My name is Dave.

Let me relate how I handled a difficult situation with my wife, Peggy.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think For example, Peggy will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean!).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Dave

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Dave died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear with barely five inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.

The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her not guilty accepting her defense that Dave somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club very quickly.

Diversity Training At The Office

2007-01-27T12:57:00.000-05:00

Ordering Pizza in 2020

2007-01-27T12:25:00.000-05:00

For a look at what ordering pizza in the year 2010 will be like, click here.

And then make sure to purchase an IMMAT here.

NEW REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT FOR DEBT REDUCTION!!!

2007-01-14T23:57:00.000-05:00

With the holidays just over, many are feeling the results of the credit card pinch. This new revolutionary program will save you money and get you out of debt faster than you can say "Jack Robinson." Go here now: http://www.knowledgekeysite.com/itmakesmyasstired/Don't_Buy_Stuff.mp4

Happy New Year To All!!

2007-01-14T23:50:00.000-05:00

Since we have now begun a New Year, it is important to keep our priorities in line. In keepimg with the IMMAT tradition of helping people achieve their goals, this blog will be unveiling new ideass to maximize ones potential. Strap on your IMMAT and stay tuned!!!!

Shopping Without IMMAT is Brutal

2006-12-10T15:37:00.000-05:00

Christmas shopping can make your ass tired...or cause you to lose your marbles.....

It Makes My Ass Tired

2006-12-02T22:26:00.000-05:00

The following true life stories are of everyday people who seriously need the benefits of IMMAT. If you know someone like this, don't delay. Get them an IMMAT today!

Warning. These stories may not be suitable for all readers.

"I am medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.

I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away."
-------------------------------------------

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
---------------------------------------

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

Burger King Outsources Order Taking

2006-11-17T12:50:00.004-05:00

Fast food restaurants are planning to outsource "order taking" to remote locations. Here's a look into the future of your next trip to the drive through.

And remember...it's just another reason to order your IMMAT bracelet today!

Don't You Hate It When This Happens?

2006-11-17T12:32:00.001-05:00

To my darling husband:

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXXXXXXX

DAP Personality Test

2006-11-09T13:56:00.002-05:00

IMMAT users are ahead of the curve when it comes to self-improvement and life enhancement. Because of our commitment to these areas of growth, we at IMMAT believe that we should continue to provide useful tools to assist people in their own self development programs. To this end we bring you the DAP Personality Test.

Haute Couture, the IMMAT Way

2006-10-28T14:01:00.000-04:00

Designer chic could never be easier.

As many high fashion devotees know, IMMAT bands accentuate the true ideal where fashion and art come together to define the modern man or woman. The exquisite marriage of form and function sets the IMMAT standard at a level that few in the fashion industry can rival.

Now more than ever, this power in fashion has come to personify taste and beauty. It is through sophisticated accessorizing with IMMAT couture, that we can step apart from the crowd and be noticed for the individuals we are.

Step into the high fashion world of IMMAT. You will be thrilled with the quality of our wrist bands.......the design, the workmanship and materials...... all sublime!!!

IMMAT...for the discriminating man or woman.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 1

2006-10-21T00:09:00.000-04:00

ORAL STAGE
During the oral stage, the infant’s primary source of interaction occurs through the mouth, so the rooting and sucking reflex is especially important. The mouth is vital for eating, and the infant derives pleasure from oral stimulation through gratifying activities such as tasting and sucking. Because the infant is entirely dependent upon caretakers (who are responsible for feeding the child), the infant also develops a sense of trust and comfort through this oral stimulation.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 2

2006-10-21T00:06:00.000-04:00

ANAL STAGE
During the anal stage, Freud believed that the primary focus of the libido was on controlling bladder and bowel movements. The major conflict at this stage is toilet training—the child has to learn to control his or her bodily needs. Developing this control leads to a sense of accomplishment and independence.

If parents take an approach that is too lenient, an anal-expulsive personality can develop in which the individual has a messy, wasteful, or destructive personality.

Freud's Psychosexual Stages: Part 3

2006-10-20T23:58:00.000-04:00

PHALLIC STAGE
During the phallic stage, the primary focus of the libido is on the genitals. Children also discover the differences between males and females. Freud also believed that boys begin to view their fathers as a rival for the mother’s affections. The Oedipus complex describes these feelings of wanting to possess the mother and the desire to replace the father. However, the child also fears that he will be punished by the father for these feelings, a fear Freud termed castration anxiety.

Bulwer-Lytton Competition

2006-10-14T16:32:00.000-04:00

As the creator of IMMAT, I must confess that I still struggle with unfulfilled longings. I fear that I have not yet tapped my true potential (close but not quite). For you see, I have long harbored a secret fantasy of winning the annual Bulwer-Lytton competition ("It was a dark and stormy night")

Each year, the competition is stiff. Thousands of entries from around the world are submitted...but only a few are ever chosen to receive this prestigious award. It's like the Emmys.

As I review the following submitted entries by these writers, I will be working on my (hopefully winning) entry for next year.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Call the EEOC: Case of Job Discrimination

2006-10-12T13:05:00.000-04:00

Tuna and Mackerel need not apply.

The Town of Allopath

2006-10-11T18:18:00.000-04:00

Stay abreast of current medical news and learn the latest treatment for skidmark disease here.

Just In Time For Deer Hunting Season!!!

2006-10-07T16:56:00.000-04:00

The new camoflage version of IMMAT is being debuted this month. It's manly yes, but I like it too. .....

When you place your IMMAT orders, please specify which type you desire..our original purple band or the new camoflage band---just perfect to go with your hunting attire. Now when you don't bag that deer after sitting for long hours on a tired ass, you will find recovery at an exponentially quicker speed.

You can't go wrong with IMMAT. Order TODAY!!!

"When The Yield Curve Flips.........

2006-10-07T11:41:00.001-04:00

.......I'll be watching you." IMMAT IS indeed watching as the Federal Reserve continues to make monetary policy decisions designed to make one's ass tired. For more on the Fed, read about fractional reserve banking (where they create money out of nothing) ---you can probably find a book on the topic in the Magic section at Borders.

The FedFunds rate has not gone down recently, but other rates have. Long-term rates have fallen as have short-term rates...but short-term rates remain above long-term rates. This is an inverted yield curve and it has been inverted since September 19. In the past, an inverted yield curve has been a familiar statistical prelude to recession.

Oh well..just remember there is no time like the present to buy an IMMAT... before I increase the price to $378.99

To learn more about the Fed, please watch the following brief and insightful video:

NEW Study Reveals.....

2006-10-02T18:27:00.000-04:00

.....that 4 out of 5 mental health professionals surveyed recommend IMMAT for their patients who chew gum.

Mental Health Therapies Revealed

2006-10-02T17:58:00.000-04:00

As a licensed mental health counselor with a masters degree in clinical psychology, I am always on the look-out for new therapies to improve the human condition. After studying numerous alternative technologies in my quest for helping people, I have distilled the best therapies and techniques into the following list:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in-box."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling: "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......ORDER AN IMMAT BAND TODAY!!!!!

The Benefits Of IMMAT Are Simply Amazing!!

2006-09-26T17:44:00.000-04:00

IMMAT Treatment Day 2

IMMAT Treatment Day 21

Thousands of testimonials from satisfied IMMAT users continue to pour into our corporate offices on a daily basis. We ourselves remain astonished by the array of physical and mental health benefits derived from consistent IMMAT usage.

IMMAT has demonstrated it's efficacy in a wide variety of areas ---from the treatment of blockages to success, self sabotage issues, low self esteem and foot fungus.

The above photos give a good visual impression of an IMMAT treatment success program. Notice that the photo on the top embodies a tired ass at the end of a long work day. Three weeks later, the photo on the bottom clearly demonstrates that the IMMAT has been working. Notice that the tired lines are gone and that the cheeks look more refreshed and resilient.

Clearly IMMAT makes a difference. Get yours now!!!

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

2006-09-25T23:27:00.000-04:00

IMMAT continues to go through new incarnations in it's quest for improving lives. Some of the latest quantum physics research performed on our technology reveals new ways to enhance IMMAT frequencies...and consequently makes for a more powerful product. We have already incorporated many of these changes into the current version of IMMAT.

As you can see from the picture, the new improved purple band version of IMMAT far outstrips the beta version of IMMAT. We just keep getting better!!!

Keep watching for more improvements!!! And don't forget to order your IMMAT today!!!!

Death By Meeting

2006-09-14T19:29:00.000-04:00

Today, one of my clients tipped me off to a book called "Death by Meeting" by Patrick M. Lencion. The concept of death by meeting (and IMMAT's helpful contribution in relieving ass fatigue) has been documented by many of our glowing testimonials this past week. Make sure you join the ranks of those "in the know." Order your IMMAT today!!

The Philosophy of IMMAT

2006-09-12T18:53:00.000-04:00

Today, I had an interesting conversation with a friend at lunch. The conversation exposed and defined IMMAT philosophy and it's principles at work in people's lives.

I disclosed to him, that my gravest concern regarding IMMAT, is that technology of this magnitude could one day be used as as a force for evil in the world. No doubt, emotions of this sort were felt by the developers of the atom bomb.

However, my friend served to help me define the difference between satire and sarcasm:

Satire: is a technique of writing or art which exposes the follies of its subject (for example, individuals, organizations, or states) to ridicule, often as an intended means of provoking or preventing change. The humor of satire tends to be subtle, using irony and deadpan humour liberally.
Sarcasm: is sneering, jesting, or mocking a person, situation or thing.....Use of sarcasm is sometimes viewed as an expression of concealed anger, negativity, or rage.

My friend then reminded me of Jonathan Swift who wrote an excellent essay on "how to eat your young." Wikipedia further establishes Swift as a premier satirist as it describes his essay "A Modest Proposal" (1729) in which Swift (with horrifying logic) recommends that Irish poverty can be solved by breeding up their infants as food for the rich.

It is clear that IMMAT seeks to follow such rich traditions.

This is the brilliance of IMMAT....a force for good and not for evil.

My Cubicle

2006-09-10T14:14:00.001-04:00

Is your office undergoing budget cuts similar to the office in the picture? And are the walls of your cubicle closing in on you? For those of you who relate to the cubicle blues, please listen to the following song and ORDER AN IMMAT IMMEDIATELY. (For those of you who appreciate a different format for the Cubicle blues...go here now).

Remember...budget cuts could be coming to a cubicle near you soon. Be prepared.

Home Remedies

2006-09-10T13:12:00.000-04:00

Recently. a friend of mine (that's you James) had a traumatic choking episode. My research in this area led me to the following home remedies for this and other common problems.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. And don't forget to order your IMMAT bands...a new shipment has just arrived!!

Just Because You're Paranoid......

2006-09-09T19:56:00.000-04:00

doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Stress At Work

2006-09-03T13:24:00.000-04:00

As many of you IMMAT fans know, stress at work is tremendously abated by our new IMMAT technology. Put those wrist bands on and face the day!!

The following video defines what can happen without an IMMAT. Don't let this happen to you!!!!

By the way...this guy looks a little like a friend of mine. I bet you didn't know they were filming you, JDB. Too bad you weren't wearing your IMMAT.

We All Need Some Affirmation

2006-08-19T16:13:00.000-04:00

Have you been feeling used and abused at your place of work? Don't wait for your boss to notice the good job that you are doing. Give yourself the positive strokes that you need today. Just strap on your IMMAT (remember they are on sale this month at the low low price of $6.67) and visit our bonus page: the IMMAT Automatic Flatterer.

Are You Living A Dream?

2006-08-15T13:03:00.000-04:00

These men are. Go here to learn more about cat herding:

Methane Man Exposed

2006-08-12T11:39:00.000-04:00

One of the IMMAT testimonials sent to me was by an individual who calls himself "Methane Man." Through some undercover detective work, I recently discovered Methane Man's true identity. Go here to discover the startling truth.

They're Flying Off The Shelves!!

2006-08-09T07:22:00.000-04:00

The new IMMAT bands have arrived this month and have proven to be a popular item among those "in the know." The testimonials we continue to receive attest to the power of the IMMAT band. (We have received word that even Oprah Winfrey is looking at the IMMAT as a tool for stress relief and anti-aging. We expect to be on a show in the future....we'll keep you posted.

As stated before, the mental and physical improvements attributed to IMMAT are truly revolutionary (see comments under the first blog entry). IMMAT beats illegal steroid usage, hands down.

And remember to send me an email at: admin@sjtenterprises.net to get the link for IMMAT at the low, low August sale price of $6.67.

Don't miss out. GET YOURS NOW!

A Jellyfish Day

2006-08-08T21:10:00.000-04:00

Next time you have a bad day at work ... think of this guy, Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.
I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

And so now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!

How Do You Spell Peonies?

2006-07-28T18:40:00.000-04:00

This delightful picture was given to me by a lady at my place of work. Her son was inspired to send this in as an example of what is wrong with literacy in America---a subject that could certainly make your ass tired.

The following was captured at 115th and Allisonville Road in Fishers (Indiana). The sign is real and was up for about two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell peonies.....
Jeffrey Clayton, PE
Director, Site Engineering
Lauth Property Group, LLC

http://www.itmakesmyasstired.com/Peonies.html

August Sale

2006-07-27T04:27:00.000-04:00

For our grand opening, we are offering the IMMAT bands at an incredible savings. For the entire month of August you can possess your very own IMMAT band for an incredible sale price of $6.67. (You did not think I would offer them for $6.66, did you?)

In order to get the IMMAT at this low, low sale price, do not use the merchant account on the website but simply drop me a line at: admin@sjtenterprises.net and I'll send you the payment link. IMMAT bands make great gifts for family and friends alike---so feel free to order in bulk.

Remember, shipping and handling is free....so get yours today!

It Makes My Ass Tired Grand Opening

2006-07-23T17:00:00.000-04:00

I've decided that a blog should be included as a special part of our website grand opening. Feel free to write about the things that make your asses tired....but keep it gentle or I'll delete you all. :-)

Also don't forget to send in your IMMAT testimonials. Stress relief never seemed so good.